Having worked in my current PICU for a little over 13 years now, I find that it’s easy for me to get comfortable with the way I’ve learned to go about things, without taking moments to approach my practice with a more curious, teachable heart. I’m discovering how refreshing it can be when I remember to take this latter posture.

I was listening to a podcast where the host was interviewing a Pediatric Palliative Care physician, Dr. Jared Rubenstein, and Dr. Rubenstein mentioned a beautiful question that he loves to ask patients and family members when he sits down with them. “What do we need to know about you and your family, in order to provide the best care we can for you?”

What an incredible question. It seemed so obvious to ask this, after I heard it, but I confess that I had never thought to ask it myself in 13 years. It certainly fits a formal Palliative approach to caring for patients and families, but there’s no reason why we all can’t also ask this question, whether we are bedside nurses, care partners, respiratory therapists or medical providers.

The question feels so generous, thoughtful, and wide open. It communicates a humble respect we hold for the personhood of our patients and families. They’re not just “Room 3107” or “the TBI kid.” For family members thrust into a position of great powerlessness, where they are constantly being told what they can or can’t do, what will or won’t be done to them and to their child, this question gives them a voice. It lets them tell us what uniquely characterizes them – their priorities, personalities, preferences, communication styles, relational dynamics, life experiences prior to landing in our PICU, and so much more. They can decide to share whatever information they see as most relevant and most helpful in partnering with us – or letting us partner with them – in the child’s care.

The question also helps the family uncover a sense of their own personal grounding in the midst of crisis, as they articulate their reflections on, “What still matters most to us here in this unfamiliar space? Who are we, besides a medical case in the PICU?” In turn, we gain such valuable insight as we hear their responses. At the end of the day, this conversation humanizes all of us so much more.

I want to keep learning a lot of answers about medicine and pathophysiology. But more and more, I also want to learn how to ask more beautiful, new questions.